I am beginning an old ritual again. I used to notice myself, meaning I had a sense of my own identity within any space, dynamic, or environment. This is something that never came naturally, but that I had been working on. I tend to pick up on the feelings, traits, energy of others and assume it myself. This can be a wonderful accident sometimes. But a terrible spiral into confusion other times. There is nothing that surprises me more than when you go six months without putting your hair down and when finally you do, quite suddenly, you realize it is so much longer than you've thought it to be for some time. How did you not notice? I don't like not seeing myself. And I use that word loosely. With the hectic nature of work lately and all the time spent doing, being, working FOR others, to produce what others need and expect for one reason or another, I feel more loose-footed than I'd like to. Yoga helps. Having a dog helps. Having a stable home helps. But, alas, these are not quite enough. So in an effort to make it THIS obvious to myself, I am going to continue "self" studies of one sort or another-one day a drawing, another a photo, another some free association ramblings...in order to literally reacquaint myself with something I have lost touch with. I am a horribly mutable person. I like this when I know I am working well with it but that takes constant checking in. And perhaps more solitude. I have about two and a half months ahead that will surely be trying in so many ways. And I want to come out better and happier. And more likely, in the future, to not suddenly find myself with hair down to my knees without having meant it to be that way or knowing how it got there, so to speak. Study One of Self. 9.26.11.
Oh the portraits I shall do...if I can get the time away.
I am not a steady person, by most linear standards. I explore the world like a herd of field mice, not like a dinosaur, though we exchange views often. But I firmly believe that one can arrive at exactly where one wants to be and should be by being and doing. And sometimes, we are many people and do many things at once. That is all.
Now I feel nude.